It’s Not Personal

A few weeks ago, my wife got home from a weekend away and asked if I had finished a specific house project while she was gone.

She was simply asking if I had finished one task, but to me, she might as well have said, “Well, were you productive at all this weekend?” I received her question as an accusation, and I turned our conversation about a task into some real relational conflict.

This exchange reminded me of a section in Adam Grant’s book Think Again. In it, he challenges his readers to reconsider their own opinions and thoughts on all types of things—including conflict. Grant explains that there are two types of conflict that we often confuse: relational conflict and task conflict.

Relational conflict is about the people at odds. It is friction caused by a desire from one or both parties to be right, and it’s often a conflict that’s difficult, multi-layered, and complicated. 

On the other hand, task conflict is about a specific problem or situation. This type of conflict can be solved more easily and often produces a positive result. Task conflict is a catalyst for gleaning new insights and an opportunity for innovation.

 

This often happens in the workplace. For example, you’ve been working diligently, putting in extra hours to prepare for an important presentation for a potential new client. But when you present your work to your boss, all she does is give you a list of what needs to be changed and improved, failing to acknowledge the amount of work you’ve put into it thus far. You immediately assume she is making a comment about the quality of your work and your value to the organization. In reality, she’s really focused on ensuring this project is the best it can be for everyone’s good. It’s not personal, but you take it personally. You mistake a task conflict for a relational conflict.

The same is true in our personal lives. Maybe you’ve put a lot of work into establishing an evening routine for your children, but as your kids have gotten older, your spouse is noticing some gaps and suggests it’s time to change a few things to fit their current stage. You disagree because you believe consistency helps everyone go to bed faster and sleep better at night. You also feel like your spouse is failing to recognize the amount of thought and work you put into thinking through the kids’ routines throughout the day. This task conflict is making you feel undervalued, so you turn it into a relational conflict.

I’m sure you can think of examples of this kind of conflict in your own life. It happens all the time and most often with the things that require a lot of our time and energy. The more invested we are in something the more likely we are to take it personally when it is criticized. We need to remember that it’s about the task being discussed—it’s not about us. If we can learn to receive criticism well, we can agree or disagree with it in a way that leads to productive task conflict. We can work with the people in our lives to make things better than the way they started.

Here’s my reminder to each of us: There are different types of conflict. Both are very real, and both need to be solved. But we should pause before taking any criticism personally. The next time you are tempted to turn a task conflict into a relational conflict, remind yourself that it’s not always personal.